Children often feel that life is supposed to be fair and they believe that it is your job, as a parent, to make it fair.  When children think that decisions are not fair – they argue and act out.  Maybe the argument starts when one child feels that another child got more ice cream, or got to watch what she wanted on the TV, or got to stay up later.  Even though you do everything you can as a parent to make things fair, children need to know that things will not always be fair and arguing is not the answer.

Give your children a chance to talk to you about how they feel.  Sit down with them and really listen. If your child is nonverbal – watch their behavior for cues.  Sometimes just talking about it will help them understand how you make decisions.  And sometimes, if you keep an open mind, you may find out they were right – one child is getting special treatment and you were not even aware that it was happening.

You have to work together as a family to help everyone get along.  Start with a family meeting. It works best if you do the meeting at the table with some snacks!  First order of business is to make a list of rules that everyone will follow. Write them on a big piece of paper and post them on the wall. Make up rules for selecting TV shows, sitting on the couch, and anything that causes an argument.

The next step is to make a chart so that everyone has a “turn” to do the jobs around the house AND give everyone a “turn” for the special rewards like choosing the dessert or choosing the TV show.  Each child should have at least one job and one reward each day.  You can decide to change daily or weekly until everyone has a turn.

• Here are some things that may need rules or need to be on the “turn” chart.
• Who gets to ride next to the window in the car?
• Who gets to choose what to eat for lunch or dinner?
• Who does the dishes or takes out the trash?

Here is an example of a fair ice cream rule. You may need to use this type of rule for other things until your children get used to making decisions with arguing.

The Ice Cream Rule. Get ten small pieces of paper. Write a number between 1-10 on each piece of paper.  Place the papers in a bowl. Each person takes one piece of paper from the bowl and looks at the number. The person with the highest number scoops out the ice cream and puts it in the dishes. The person with the lowest number gives out the dishes of ice cream to each person.