While it is not unusual to see a two year old have a meltdown or even resort to kicking and hitting to get what they want. When a two-year-old acts out, we take the time to teach them a better way to get what they want. You often hear teachers and parents say "use your words" to children who are 2 and 3 years old.
But when you see these behaviors in a 4 or 5 year old, parents and teachers begin to worry. Often these behaviors seem to be unprovoked and unpredictable. The other children tend to stay away from a child with violent behaviors and not include them in free play activities.
One thing that we might over look in trying to deal with these behaviors is simply that this is a child who doesn't know a better way to get his/her needs met. This is a child who doesn't have play skills, this is a child who doesn't know how to wait and this is a child who doesn't know how to delay a reward.
Even though this child has good language, for some reason the other skills that the child needs to operate successfully in a group setting just are not there.
When children do not have group skills or communication skills that will help get their needs met, they resort to what they do know and that is usually the behaviors they used as a two year old. By the time they are 4 or 5 years old they have practiced doing things the wrong way for a long time. You have probably tried a variety of consequences but the behaviors keep coming back. Consequences (positive or negative) are not going to change a child's behavior if they do not have the skills they need to replace the violent behaviors.
Even a child who has had ample opportunities to learn the skills and even if you are positive the child has the skills, the behaviors are telling you the child doesn't have the skills needed and you need to listen to the behavior.
As a teacher or a parent, you need stop and regroup. It is time to teach. So take the time to show and teach your child all those missing skills. You need to help your child play with others by sitting with them and guiding the activity and modeling. You need to give the child opportunities to talk about different ways of interacting BEFORE your child runs into a problem.
"Today we are walking to the park. Let's talk about how we walk to the park with our friends." Then you discuss all the behaviors you want to see. Don't dwell on what you don't want to see. And you coach your child on those behaviors all the way to the park.
You need to be watching a child who has violent behaviors all the time so that you can intervene before anything goes wrong, again guiding and teaching every step of the way.
Because sometimes a child just doesn't know!
