So many parenting books tell us that good parenting means you have compliant children.  Children who  eat what they are told to eat, children who go to bed when you tell them to, who run in and get dressed in clothes that you picked out the night before, and who  turn off the TV when you tell them to.

If you have a typically developing child, you might (and I mean might) be able to get that type of compliance. If you have a child with any behavioral problems, such as a child on the spectrum, you probably do not have a complaint child.

Complaint children are often confused with children who just communicate really well and children who follow through on the deals they make with you.

EXAMPLE 1.You tell your child to get dressed in clothes that you picked out the night before,  your delightfully complaint child quickly says,  “Oh, I need to pick out a different outfit for today, my friends and I are all wearing something blue, is that OK? “

You say, “Well no, it is not OK.  I really don’t like it when you change your mind in the morning after we picked out what you were going to wear last night.”

Child says,  “I know, pleeeeease, I’ll wear that tomorrow. I forgot last night when we were picking out my clothes.  It’s just this once for Janie’s birthday because she likes blue.”

Now, it is unusual for your child to change her mind about her clothes.  This is probably a one- time thing, and she did explain it without being argumentative or rude so you allow her to wear a blue outfit.

That is the purpose of communication.  You can explain yourself and negotiate a reasonable option that everyone can agree with.

Let’s do this exercise again with a child who cannot communicate effectively.

EXAMPLE 2.

You tell your child to get dressed in clothes that you have picked out, your child says,  “I don’t want to wear that.”

You say, “You know the rule.   You cannot change your mind in the morning after we picked out what you were going to wear last night.”

Child says, “I want to wear something blue!”  You can put in any kind of meltdown you want at this point.

This child does know the rules and it is unusual for your child to change her mind about her clothes.  Nevertheless, you have been taught that once you allow your child to change the rules, it will be a struggle to get back to the rule. So you stick to your guns, deal with a meltdown; take a very unhappy child to school who now isn’t wearing blue like her friends.

Compliance is a short term solution.  If you had understood why your child wanted to wear blue, you would have let her do that.  But because your child’s communication was so limited in a situation like this and your child was so anxious about wearing blue, your child had no way to communicate effectively.

OK last example (and I do not guarantee this will work – it is just an example).

EXAMPLE 3.

You tell your child to get dressed in clothes that you have picked out, your child says, “I want to wear blue.”

You say, ‘Why?”

Child says, “Everyone wants to wear blue.”

You say, “Who wants to wear blue.”

Child starts getting upset and yells, “EVERYONE!”

You walk away and think about avoiding a meltdown.

Now remember, it is unusual for your child to change her mind about her clothes. So you call the teacher, or a friend’s mom, or anyone to see if there is more to the story.

But you say ( I can hear you), “ I don’t have time to do that.  I have to get to work.  The bus is coming.”  Go slowly here. Do you have time for a meltdown and the emotional impact of the meltdown?   Moreover, remember every time there is a meltdown; your child will become more skilled at meltdowns.

Therefore, you call around. Maybe you find out why everyone is wearing blue, maybe you don’t. But for some reason, you decide to believe your child that it is important to wear blue today. So you find a blue shirt and let her wear it. Then, the time you would have spent dealing with the meltdown, you use to find out what your child was trying to communicate. It is important because communication will be the one skill that will prevent meltdowns in the future.

The next few blogs will discuss how to encourage your child to communicate effectively.